I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
