tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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