We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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