he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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