She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
