Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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