Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
