I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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