Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
