i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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