I have demons in me.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
