So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
