life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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