You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
