happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
