he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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