Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
