she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize