the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Randomize
