never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
