I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
