nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We are all done wearing pants today
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
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