My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
How does it feel to date your dad?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
