is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize