I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
