last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
