If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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