Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
