Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
