I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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