capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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