I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Randomize
