i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
