I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
