I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
We had to coat check the pizza.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
