After last night, I could never be a politician.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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