On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
