so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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