Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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