Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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