Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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