When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
