I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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