i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize