obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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