My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize