What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
