saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize