last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
