Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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