looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
