1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
