rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Are my feet made of real feet?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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