my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
