my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
