Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
It's official drugs can't kill me
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
