In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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