either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My bed is full of blood and feathers
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
