I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
