So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
