I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
it was like having sex with a tree stump
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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