I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
