He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize