Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
