the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
