You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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